I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
