how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
