Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
