is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
