Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
