For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
