I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
