My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's blow job season.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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