A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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