from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
