I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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