I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
