Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
