i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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