I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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