Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
