Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
