do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
