i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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