I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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