I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
