If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
