If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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