thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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