So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
