Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
