I showed him my bush... on skype.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
