I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
