there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
this beer tastes like vomit already
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
