I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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