You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
