What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
