I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
