Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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