I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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