dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Found the puke drawer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
