Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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