The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My first STD was from a foam party
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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