oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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