im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
