I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
