I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
