So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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