i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
