Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
