I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
