So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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