And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I deserve this hangover.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
