walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
