Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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