When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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