Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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