Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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