She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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