You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
